My Story…Part 1

love-unconditional-Part-1-My-Story

I am maybe 5 years old. “Go sit on your father’s lap.”  My mother encouraged. The memory is faint, the moment is short, yet the impression has lasted my lifetime.  Reluctantly and timidly, I climb on his lap.  Who is this man that I feel nothing for?  And feel nothing from? Like stone, rigid and cold.  He is my dad.  He lives with us, but sleeps in the basement, and my mother sleeps on the main floor.  I do not know that this is not what married people do.  They are divorced, and I am not sure I even knew that.  My mother and father love us and are doing the best they can.  This is my normal.  I get off his lap as soon as I can.

I am 13 years old.  In my ignorance I do not understand what is missing, but I try to find something, or someone to fill the emptiness.  He is 16 or 18, I do not even know.  “Maybe if I give myself away, he will love me.  Maybe even cherish me.”  I do.  But what is this feeling?  I do not know its name then.  I do now. SHAME.  I lay my head down at night and I am empty, my heart is pained, to the point where I feel nothing.  Maybe if I give myself away, again, I will feel something.  Maybe he will see that I am doing this for him, so he will love me more.

I am 15 years old.  He has me whenever he wants.  “He must love me.” I make an effort to convince myself.  Why do I feel used, and worn? Worthless.  Maybe that this is just part of it.  I am pregnant now.  I am 15 and pregnant.  I tell him. He does not care.  What do I do?  There is only one answer I know.  My fingers flip through the yellow pages until I find the number. I make the call.

I speak to a lady on the phone.  “How far along are you?”

“Eight weeks.”  I answer.

“Then it will be $400, but if you go past 12 weeks, the price goes up.”

I choose the day, without concern for how I might feel, without consideration for the life inside of me.  I choose the time.  I inquire, “Do I need my parents’ permission?”

“No.  Fourteen years and older do not need parental consent.  But, when you come there will be protestors.  Just ignore them.  Walk past them and do not speak to them or let them speak to you.”

Oblivious to the gravity of the path I am choosing, I respond, “Okay.”  We hang up.

I collect the money.  I ask friends.  I deplete my own stash.  I look for money where ever I imagine some might be.  I am still short. I lack $70.  I appeal to him for the rest.  He does not have it or does not want to provide it.  I am nothing to him.

I am 11 weeks.  If I get to 12, I certainly will not have enough money.  I am trembling with fear.  What has become of my life?  I make a desperate call, a last attempt.  I telephone my sister, my elder, by 9 years.  I inform her what I require and reveal to her why.  I fully expect her answer to be, “Yes!”  My sister loves me, she would do anything for me.

“I cannot do it, Michele.  I have children.  Put mom on the phone.”

I do.  Maybe it is what I really desire after all.

How is my mother going to react?  What is she going to do with me now?  We do not have a good relationship.  I am rebellious, disrespectful, disobedient and unloving.  Now, I am pregnant.  I have no regard for the consequence of my choices in this life.  I walk through numb.  I do not care about my future.  I have no purpose.

I wait, and the moments pass by at a sloth’s pace.  She returns to me in my room.  I cannot gaze at her.  “If I do not look at her, maybe she cannot see me.”  I imagine.  I wait for her reaction, and I prepare. I am going to defiantly take whatever she offers. However, what I am given, I could have not predicted.

 

Love UNCONDITIONAL.

 

Six months earlier, my mom was introduced to Jesus, and she offered herself to Him wholeheartedly.

 
Who is Jesus??? At the time, I do not yet know.

But He has known me since before I was in my mother’s womb…

and He knows who is in my womb.  

He saved my mom, and now He saved my baby.

 

Love UNCONDITIONAL says, “Tomorrow, we are going to buy you a new outfit for church.”

Defenseless and relieved, I say, “Okay.”

 

Continue reading: My Story Part 2…

Share Via »»» F L P H
  • http://www.lisajobaker.com/ Lisa-Jo Baker

    Oh precious Michele-Lyn – what an honor to have you share your story with us. Sitting here quietly, listening and loving the brave 15 year old you. So much love, Lisa-Jo

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com/ Michele-Lyn

      Lisa-Jo,

      When the email notifying me of your comment came through last week, it was timely and truly an encouragement. Thank you for your love. <3

  • Michelle Zenisek

    I’m crying. How beautiful. I can feel how scared you were and how you must have breathed a huge sigh of relief when your mother responded in the way she did. God’s timing is perfect. I can’t wait to read more!

  • http://christinamariehernandez.wordpress.com/ Christina

    Michelle….this reminds me so much of my story, although I was a little older (26 to be exact). I found out I was pregnant, then 4 days later found out my dad had cancer. I have a beautiful 15 year old daughter now, and wouldn’t change it for the world. My dad passed away 2 months after Bri’s first birthday. Love your blog!

  • Pingback: Ambition: A Holy One « Altar of Heaven

  • http://beautifulsong.com Chantel

    This brings tears to my eyes. Thanking God for the beautiful story of LOVE that He has given you.

  • http://colleensquest-flberrys.blogspot.com/ Colleen

    Wow! What a beautiful story! God is so good; He came in at just the right time…I’m so glad you found Him and His salvation and save the life of your baby…Thanks for sharing!

  • http://trulyscrumptiousbathandbody.com Michelle

    Thank you for sharing! I’m going to share with my daughters.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Michelle,

      Oh, what sweet news :) Thank you!

  • http://hispenonmyheart.com Tereasa

    I’m so glad you put this on facebook. It is the first time I have seen this post. I knew of your story but had not read much. There is a pounding in my heart for the rescue of others. I pray that God will show me the way.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Tereasa,

      Thank you for your sweet comments, and oh, you want to go to the front lines–to rescue. I agree with you in prayer that He will lead you in the way.

  • http://myfreshlybrewedlife.com Barbie

    I am a new follower, and came to Your Story through Part 5, posted on your blog tonight. I thought I had better start at the beginning. I am much older than you. But other than divorced parents and a pregnancy while young, I can relate to the feelings of guilt and shame of having given myself away, only wanting love in return. It’s something I’ve carred with me for over 30 years. Wow, what an impact this reading has made on my heart today.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Barbie,

      Thank you for sharing your thoughts, so tender and vulnerable. I haven’t had much time this week while playing nurse here at home with a sick brood, but I wanted to let you know I have been pondering your words as they have helped encourage me through the day. I would like to visit your place again, and will hopefully this weekend I will. Thank you for stopping by and staying a while. It is my greatest desire bring glory to Him this life He has given… and that, only by His grace…

      With love and thanks,

      Michele

  • http://sixinthehickorysticks.blogspot.com Nacole

    ok, tears streaming now…so glad i decided to click and read this…what a *gorgeous* testimony you have! i will read more later. better get in there to my children and put to use some of this inspiration i’ve gleaned here.

    blessings,
    ~Nacole

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Nacole,

      Thanks be to God for all the wonderful works He has done… He is faithful… so very FAITHFUL…

  • Diana Conley

    What a beautiful heartfelt story. Wish I could have been there for you. You have grown to be such a beautiful, strong, amazing woman. So proud of you. You do have a great mother. You guys were always the priority of her life and she always gave all that she had for you. I had the honors of experiencing her huge heart.

  • Patte

    I am so grateful to God for the way He saves us from ourselves & our sin. Psalm 127:3 declares; “Children are a gift of the Lord.” It is almost unspeakably beautiful how, even when we are sinners who think nothing of Him, the Lord gives us precious gifts. And Jesus uses our dear babies to bring us to Himself. God bless you as you live for His glory, love your husband & children & share your testimony of life & eternity, Michele.

  • Susie

    Michelle:

    I have been checking your blog everyday… I LOVE IT and just cannot get enough. HURRY UP and write girl. Oh and when you have some spare time write again. When you have nothing to do, write some more and then when you are finished write a little more.

    You are a blessing to many. Someone may just need what you say and you say it soooo well. I have shared your site with a few who have just been AMAZED! Can’t wait…

    P.S. By the way, I really dislike the to be continued line… you can leave that out any time you feel led to. :)

  • Sherry

    Hi Michelle,

    Your story is very powerful and God is using you to touch so many people!! I’m looking forward to reading more. You’re a gifted writer and I agree with the earlier comment that it would be great to see it on book form.

    • Michele

      Thank you Sherry… I want nothing more than God to be glorified through my life… although I feel like a mess most of the time ;) I am praying for grace and wisdom to continue to write and share what it is that He desires… Thank you for the encouragement!

  • Kami

    I wish this was in book form so I could read the rest of your story now! Can’t wait for part two.

    • Michele

      I am so glad that you got a chance to read my blog. It is my offering to Him and I am blessed and encouraged by mama’s being able to relate and have passion renewed to pursue God and His purposes for their families… Thank you for taking the time to comment! The comments help me more than you know :) Sharing my story is not an easy process, but it is necessary for me and for anyone who needs to hear it, and as He provides to me the Grace and the words, I will continue to write.

      Love you!