Husband, already at work, asks through the phone, “What are you doing today?”
I reply, “School and housework.”
As the words drop heavy from my mouth, I ponder how dreary and depressing my answer sounds. After a few moments, we hang up the phone. Then, I think about the answer to this question.
“What am I doing today?”
A sinking feeling weighs heavy in side of me. But, wait! “This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad…” The heaviness is still there. Reluctantly, I admit, I am a bit afraid to face the day.
I was too tired to dry and put the clean dishes away before bed. I ignored the rice left on Baby’s highchair last night. I am pretty sure that I will not get to cross off all of the “things to do” as done today, and almost as certain as the sun rising, that the list will get longer. I know I will bypass piles of laundry and will have to remind myself, “I will get to them, eventually.” I know I will step on a few toys and even more crumbs today. I am not sure that Baby will stay happy and occupied long enough for me to get through lessons with my struggling reader. I am reminded, as a home-schooling mom, I am responsible for my children’s education. There will be more than a few school books scattered throughout every room of the house and even more papers to go with them.
But what is really causing my heart to sink?… I don’t know if today, the children will see Jesus in me or a crazy, worn out version of their mama. I do not want to live with any regrets. I know my actions will speak volumes over my words and will forever impact the people I love most.
I know I cannot do this alone. This???… Answer my call. I cannot be all that I am called to be to my husband and my children without first connecting to the Vine.
Apart from Him… I can do nothing.
Baby is wide awake with me, while the other 3 children are still asleep. I sit in my chair, in the corner of my room, with Baby exploring while I connect to the Vine. I pray out-loud. Baby hears and comes with inquisitive eyes. Less than a minute goes by, and Baby is not content with me sitting. “She is supposed to still be sleeping.” I have a choice. Get frustrated with Baby and God, or…?
Worship music plays. I choose. I sweep Baby in my arms. We twirl. We worship together. I connect to the Vine with her in my arms. Then I remember, this is what I GET to do, everyday. I am again thankful for the privilege that I have as a mama and housewife.
I bring her feet to the floor, I kneel to be at her level, and stare. My focus is on her small frame. Then, I begin to see. I have vision of the life that God has planned for this little one. Sixteen years apart from her oldest sibling, who is almost an adult herself, and two more between, I know the unlimited potential in God these little ones have. I am still embracing her, and I am still connected to the Vine.
My heart and my voice lift up to Him. I pray, with hands laid on her…
“Thank You for these precious ones You have trusted me with. Thank You, God, for this life. Thank You for this little one. Thank You for her intelligence, her health, her beauty. I pray that she will follow You all the days of her life. I pray that the words that fill her mouth will be Your words to reach generations for You. I pray that You will use these hands to do the holy work of Your Kingdom. I pray that she will not ever suffer hunger and thirst for earthly food and water, but that her soul will always hunger and thirst after righteousness and for Your Word. Use her for Your glory.”
She doesn’t understand. Not yet. But, she has received a blessing. I am deeply grateful. For myself, I pray simply yet fervently. I do not just lay myself at His feet, I throw myself at His feet.
“I need you, Lord Jesus. God help me… ”
At the end of the day, when the house is silent, and everyone is sound asleep. When I, usually the last to lay my head down, finally do, I want to know that I did everything I could to lead my children to the cross that day. I want to reflect on the day and know, I did not let a single precious moment fall to the ground wasted. I want to firmly believe my children laid their heads down, knowing that they are more important than a clean house, any material thing on this earth, or any selfish ambition of mine, and that they know and believe that they are worth dying for and that Jesus did!
NO REGRETS… today.