Here is Part 4 of My Story. Words chosen with care to convey the truth of the dealings of God in my heart and life. This sacred holy romance, I first walk, now inscribe. I pray it will do nothing less than draw the hearts of those Christ gave His life so willingly for, closer to Him and perhaps kindle a new appetite for His love Words to us.
Since I was in kindergarten, I have always had a boyfriend or a crush. It will take a bit longer for me to know who I am in Christ. I still let others determine my value, when my worth should be determined by my Creator. My delusion to believe I cannot live without a boyfriend, is evidence of a void deep, a gaping whole reserved for my daddy to fill with his heart and hugs and words teaching who I am. A voice reiterating, I am beautiful, until I believe. An emptiness that now, could only be filled by Abba.
Now, I am His. I have begun to live my life surrendered. His Word is working in me. His Spirit is working on me. I was lost for all my life. It is going to take a little while to get to the place where He wants me. But He is my guide. He is my light, through the darkness. I am still learning His way. Even now, still learning.
I am 17 and a Junior in high school. I am a mother to an infant baby girl, whose father has no place in our life, and I have a new boyfriend. This one goes to church. The same church I have begun visiting, and we attend the same school. I continue on my way, as his girlfriend, without regard, until I feel a gentle tug. An ever-so-slight invite to listen. I hear a whisper. The Voice of my Shepard. “I have something better for you. Follow me, and I will show you the manner in which you are to live.”
He has captured my heart with His love. I want to follow Him. Follow Jesus. I am faced with a decision. I cannot bear the thought of being alone. But in order to take hold of what Christ offers before me, I must let go. Let go of my boyfriend. Let go of the counterfeit. Let go and feel empty. In faith, let go.
Nevertheless, before the end of my Junior year of high school, this teenager who has a baby, who herself is a babe in Christ, lets him go to follow the Guardian and Lover of her soul, the Great Shephard of her heart.
In youth church, the announcement is made for summer youth camp. I believe them when they say it could change my life. It could bring me closer to God. For this, I am hungry. Mama watches baby girl. A way is made for me to go. I arrive with the group from youth. I have made friends that are genuine, but boyfriend, recently made ex is there. It is obvious he is not letting this one go easy.
Of my decision, I am certain. Understanding, he is not. Another girl he has found eyes for. Whatever his motive, his intentions are clear. He makes an attempt to publicly humiliate me, in which he succeeds. During lunch, he grabs a mic and makes a declaration filled with words of flattery for her and spite for me.
I sit, wishing I could just dig a hole and hide in it. Even better, that I was invisible. Everyone in my youth group knows. I get stares, some snickers, and looks of pity. But in my heart, hidden to all, except Him Whom it now belongs, I have pain. I am young, but what I feel is real. I am uncomfortable, displaced, hurt and homesick. I want to go home. Surrounded by people, yet feeling so alone.
Forlorn, I find a seat at a concrete picnic table, yards from the playing, joking and laughing. I hurt. Groping for light, in the dark place I am in, I open up His Love Words for me…
You surround me with favor as with a shield.
For the Lord has heard the voice of my weeping.
You will make known to me the path of life;
In Your Presence is fullness of joy.
You are my hiding place; You preserve me from trouble;
You surround me with songs of deliverance. Selah.
The Lord is near to the broken hearted,
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Ps 5:11, Ps 6:8, Ps 16:11, Ps 32:17, Ps 34:18
Day after day during the week, I pull away from the group where I feel alone, and I go to a place I am alone, where I find I am never alone. His living Word piercing between spirit and soul, defense or doubt. His Word working in me…
“Penetrating to the dividing line of the breath of life, soul, and the immortal spirit, and of joints and marrow, of the deepest parts of our nature, exposing and sifting and analyzing and judging the very thoughts and purposes of the heart.”
I find the Comforter, Who provides a deeper and more real comfort, than I have ever known that transcends my understanding. His word is truth, His Word is living. His Word is active. His Word became flesh and dwelt among us to be my Savior.
I found His way, and His way is found in the seeking.
The pain He used to draw me to Himself. I fell in love with his Word, learning of its power to comfort and to heal, discovering its enlightening, revealing the Creator to His creation, captivated by the proclamation of His love and riveted by the revelation of His plans. My relationship with the Word begins this lonely week of camp. I found how to draw near. I found Who draws near.
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was in the beginning with God. All things were made through Him… In Him was life, and the life was the light of men. And the light shines in the darkness… And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld His glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:1-5, 14
Continue Reading: My Story Part 5
Read: My Story Part 1
Read: My Story Part 2
Read: My Story Part 3