Husband announces, “I bought it for you.”
“Bought what?” I wonder.
“I bought you Alifesurrendered.com ,”he replies.
“Are you kidding me? I didn’t even know you could do that. It was available?”
“What am I going to do with it?”
I am a mess, really a mess, not to mention, very private. How dare I even think about starting a website with a blog. What real purpose would it have when I am one small voice in a million? I wouldn’t even know how to begin. I haven’t even figured out how to get dinner on the table every night.
I decided I was not going to do anything with it. So, deep in my imagination and dormant in my spirit, sitting on a dusty shelf in my heart, it remained.
That was fall of 2008.
After years of my irresolution in giving it life, inadvertently I was brought to the door step of defiance, about to cross the threshold into disobedience. A place…I was unwilling to enter.
So, three colorful years later, courageously afraid, here I write. Any doubt in beginning and continuing this blog is dispelled because of a few words that resonate in my soul. They speak loud and they speak clear to me… Matthew 5:14 (The Message)
Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop,
on a light stand—shine!
Keep open house; be generous with your lives.
By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God.
Plenty of moments, over the years and still, I feel like I am getting it wrong more than I am getting it right. I would and sometimes still do, set impossibly high standards and unnecessary expectations for myself, and those I love. It is counterproductive to compare myself with other mamas, but self-debilitatingly, I find myself still mumbling on occasion,
I bet their kids always get along with each other. I am sure their house is spotless. I imagine they pray and read their Bibles every single day, without fail. And, I am sure they finish all their lessons in time for lunch.
In addition, most of my motherhood I wrestled with the lie my labor as a stay-at-home-mama had no significance. Especially, when I felt defeated over, the still existent, never-ending pile of dirty laundry. How does this perfectionist mama go from, the keeping-of-a-house to the making-of-a-home? When so much of my time was squandered away housekeeping, I found myself more than once, piled in a heap on the floor crying out to God, “I feel like such a waste. There has got to be more than this.” While, deep down knowing being home with my children was my call.
God has arrested my heart for my family.
He called me to be a wife
who supports my husband to be all God created him to be.
He destined me to be a homeschooling mom
that has vision for my children’s lives.
He raised me to be a mentor that leads them
to serve God all the days of their lives.
He gives me vision for their lives
so that I can draw out the potential I see,
and raise them up in their gifts and talents and strengths,
and encourage them to fulfill their call in Him.
Even though, on my defeated days, or that time of the month, I feel awfully unequipped, and I am inadequate to fulfill my call, so long as I endeavor in my own strength. Nevertheless, I am fully invested and completely surrendered, believing daily this promise…
“My GRACE is enough; it’s all you need.
My STRENTH comes into its own in your weakness.”
So I live this proclamation, but not apart from Him… 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (The Message)
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I need to quit focusing on the handicap and begin appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s STRENGTH moving in on my weakness… I yield and just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.
I stand resolute, committed to fulfilling my purpose as a wife and mama, seeking God’s will for us as a family, living authentically, purposefully parenting with husband as the lead and passionately pursuing God, granting Him unhindered access to the most secret places of my heart so that He can change me from the inside out, and His light will shine.
The story of how I met my God, the stories of my transformations, my challenges and struggles, difficulties and failures, successes and victories, my blessings and gifts, my learning and growing and learning and stretching and learning some more, how to navigate my way through this life, seeking God, being established and settled and discovering the incomprehensible joy of answering my call, realizing I can enjoy life, pursuing how to love better, defining my mission, finding my voice, walking in His grace, sharing some practical, sensible and realistic methods, ideas and great finds, maybe in the process bringing someone encouragement and hope, and God as the only audience I aim to please, is what this blog is all about.
I will never claim to have the answers, and a teachable spirit I pray, I will always possess.
Nevertheless, I invite you to continue on this journey with me…