My Story… Part 5

It would take a year. A year of wrestling within my soul. This was a year of being set-apart, and consecrated unto God. A year of denying the flesh, likened to a fasting–a releasing and a clinging, learning to live a life surrendered. This was a work of the Spirit, in the heart of a single mama, that is an integral part of my life story, whose Author is God.



I am 17 in years. In life, much older. I am already a mama. In church we sing…


♫ As the deer panteth for the water,

so my soul longeth after thee… ♫


This I can sing, with heart sincere. I do long after Him. But for the next verse I must remain silent, and instead voice a prayer from my heart, “May these words be true in me.”


♫ You alone are my heart’s desire. ♫ 

Something else takes precedent in my heart. Something that takes the throne of my heart, over the King of Kings. It is the desire to have companion, a friend, a more than friend, in my life. This is the first time, since I was 5 years old, I do not have a boyfriend. This is the first year I DO have a Lord.


I am learning the difference between, I want and cannot have, and I want and should not have.  With the latter, the decision is mine.


Yet, all things are permissible, but not all things profitable.
1 Corinthians 10:23


A wrestling in my heart, where the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. I desire to please God. I know what He is asking of me, but the will is free to choose. During this time, what I want more than what I want, is not to want it.


He promises to furnish me with the desires of my heart, and my heart is overflowing with desires that are not His. The promise in not leverage to get what I want. The promise is for Him to replace the ungodly appetites that are pervasive and persuasive, with a zeal to passionately pursue Him and all He has designed for my life.


So this is the fight within me–To get what I want, or to want Him more. To try and make it happen myself, or WAIT for Him.


One rises triumphant, while the other dies–His will or mine? The struggle is slight in comparison to the One Who sweated blood in the garden of Gethsemine, but the prayer is the same.


“Nevertheless, not my will, but Thy will be done.”

 

I have not yet resisted to the point of shedding of blood in my striving against sin. (Heb 12:3-4) Yet, I cry. I weep. I struggle for a year. The potter and the clay. I, the clay, struggling to remain pliable in the potter’s hands. The struggle is not void of pain, but I am getting stronger, stronger at yielding. And so is the desire for Him. An increased hunger, a desperation, a burning desire for Him is becoming stronger and stronger, until I can sing, sincere, honest and true…

♫ You ALONE are my hearts desire

and I long to worship Thee…

You alone are my Strength my Shield

To You alone may my spirit yield…

You alone are my heart’s desire,

and I long to worship Thee… ♫

For one month following this year of wrestling, I carry a heavy burden. One that compels me. Everyday after school, I go into my mother’s closet. I fall to my knees, and I pray and I weep for my husband that I do not have. I know the void in a soul the absence of a father could hollow out. I travail for a daddy for Baby Girl, with hope God will provide.


Meanwhile, the moment I get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping me along. If I don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does my praying in and for me, making prayer out of my wordless, aching groans. The Spirit knows me far better than I know myself, He keeps me present before God… He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.  

(Romans 8:26-27)


For one month, this is my routine, cry out to Him in the quiet dark quarters of a closet. Until one day, God sends a messenger.


I never saw her before and I never saw her again. Just after service’s end, as I linger in the pew, she taps me on the shoulder. She begins, “Don’t worry about your husband.”


In an instant, the thought unspoken, runs through my mind and my heart sinks, “I don’t have a husband. She’s crazy.”


She continues into the next moment, before I am able to utter a sound, “Because I have someone for you and he will be the desire of your heart.”


I am astonished and hopeful. Can I hold on to this word? Should I?


It would not be long after my heart became wholly His, that He would send a man to love me as Christ loves. There would not be much time pass from when I became completely content belonging only to Him, that He would send me someone else to whom I was to belong.


Unbeknownst to me, during dinner the last night of camp, next to me sat, the man whom God was to send to me, to be my best friend, my lover and the daddy to Baby Girl and 3 more babies after. As God was beginning this great work in my heart, there He had my husband-to-be, already by my side quietly tucked away, yet plain to see. God waiting for the right time to reveal my gift to me.


Our story is a love story that He has written, that He is still writing. It is filled with joys and laughter and heartache and tears. As two kids get married, with already a young one in tow, we had no idea of the places we would walk through, and what it would take to keep standing, how we would grow, and what we would learn. But as we live to serve Him, He has remained faithful, as the process of becoming one flesh, though a difficult one, proves a beautiful one.


From hereafter begins our story…

Read: My Story Part 1

Read: My Story Part 2

Read: My Story Part 3

Read: My Story Part 4

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  • http://www.quiet-reflections.com Sharon

    Just sat here and read your whole story instead of going to bed! But so glad I did, it is a beautiful story. A God honoring story. I just love hearing the stories of others.

    Blessings to you.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Sharon,

      Wow! This means so much to me. God can take ashes and somehow make beauty and grace. Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment.

      Blessings to you,

      Michele-Lyn

  • http://www.unstuckandunstoppable.com Karen

    Tears. Oh, Michele-Lyn… Your story touches me so deeply in my heart. You know that song that says, “Sometimes He calms the storm, and sometimes He calms His child”? That’s what your story reminds me of. I love knowing that God was weaving something masterful in the background, when you didn’t even know it. Such an inspiring story! May the Lord continue to richly bless your life, and that of hubby, and your 4 precious babies. Lots of love to you, sister.

    Hugz,
    Karen

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Karen,

      Thank you so much. Your words are so sincere and pour love and life into my heart. God is so faithful and so good. You just make me want to worship Him for all the amazing things He has done.

      Thank you, dear one and blessings to you,

      Michele-Lyn

  • http://www.reflectionsofhisgrace.com Joan

    Michele:

    Wow – what a powerful testimony. God’s was (and is) clearly on your life…wooing you, drawing you to Him.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Joan,

      His love is so captivating. I am so grateful I do not ever have to know where I would be without it.

      Blessings to you…

  • S.Schulz

    I just finished reading all five parts of ‘your story’ and I give the Lord all the praise and glory for who HE IS IN YOU!
    What a beauty you are….thank you for sharing your pearls…I treasure them and honor our Father for all that He has done and is doing within you and your beloved family.
    The blessings of Christ to you, precious Michele-Lyn.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      S.Schulz,

      Wow! I am so very humbled that you would take time to read my story, and praise God for all He has done. Thank you for all of your kind, affirming words. You bless me, again.

      I pray that by sharing my story, that those that do not know Him, would want to. Blessings to you and thank you for your love.

  • http://www.dailysurrendertojesus.com/ Stacy

    Michele, I was so blessed to browse through your blog a few days ago, and blessed even more today as I had the chance to read your story from the beginning. Your words, and His words, so touched my heart. Praising our faithful God, who does not leave us where we are, but continues to draw us closer to himself through every circumstance of life! Encouraged by your transparency and your great desire to see Him glorified. God bless you sweet sister in Christ. <3

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Stacy,

      Somehow, I must have missed your comment here. I am sorry about that. But, maybe it is God’s timing. You brought me so much encouragement by your words here. It humbles me that you would take the time to read my story, and blesses me that you praise God! I desire to bring Him glory in everything I do.

      You blessed me, truly. Thank you again, and blessings to you…

      With love,

      Michele-Lyn

  • http://www.youaremygirls.com Jennifer

    Michele, I read through your testimony, and I am so filled with joy at this journey you share. I was 15, also, when I became pregnant for the first time. And I didn’t have your courage, your heart, your selflessness to think about more than me. And I don’t have a child now, because of that. And I didn’t have the courage to tell my parents, or anyone, for many years. Your daughter is stunningly beautiful. What a glorious testimony of His love and redemption and good plans for each of us. Thank you so much. I am so blessed by your story and faith.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Jennifer,

      Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing your heart here. I am humbled and grateful by your words. I sent you an email, directly to you in reply.

      It is a Beautiful Romance… this Holy Love and Redemption’s Beauty… Only GOD… only His grace…

      Blessings to you…

  • http://myfreshlybrewedlife.com Barbie

    I read through your entire story tonight. You write so beautifully, so captivating. You are a testimony, to the saving grace of God. There is nothing like the redemptive love of Christ.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Barbie,

      You are so right… nothing like Redemption’s Love… this Holy and Sacred romance is only possible by His blood and sacrifice. Thank you, again, for your encouraging, heartfelt words.

      Blessings to you…

  • http://tuningmyhearttopraise.blogspot.com/ r.elliott

    Oh such a beautiful story…can’t wait to hear the rest….blessings~

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Ro Elliott,

      Thank you for stopping by and sharing sweet words… My story, like countless others, is made beautiful because of Love’s Redemption…

      Only by His grace…

  • http://redemptionsbeauty.com Shelly Miller

    What an inspiring story of redemption and God’s heart for you. I like the way you wrote it. I wrote about my husband today too. We are blessed.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Shelly,

      Thank you… I hopped over to your place, before I even replied… I just love all of what you wrote about your husband. What honor you show him. It truly inspired a gratitude in my heart for my own…… we truly are blessed :)

      Thank you for stopping by…

  • http://www.positivelyalene.com/ Positively Alene

    This is so beautiful on so many levels. Your words, -This is the first time, since I was 5 years old, I do not have a boyfriend. This is the first year I DO have a Lord. – took my breath away. The first year to have a Lord – I remember and WOW what a statement! Blessings!

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Alene,

      You bless me… thank you for sharing your thoughts. They encourage me.

      The working of the Spirit in our lives… produces beautiful vessels of honor fit for the Master’s use… but not without testing… it is in the testing I hope to show faith approved that is worth much more than GOLD

      Only by His grace… blessings to you :)

  • http://sylvrpen.com Sylvia Robertson

    Beautiful story of a soul’s pilgrimage.
    First we need to know Him as our All, and then He brings the rest. Thank you for sharing this account of a true long-time fast and its blessed outcome.

    • http://www.alifesurrendered.com Michele-Lyn

      Sylvia,

      Thank you much… and yes… He became my all-in-all, and has remained… He is my portion… He is faithful… Thank you for stopping by :)

      Blessings to you…