As I purpose to clean and organize while kids are away, this song, “Oh You Bring” plays on my iPod and my heart is arrested. And so I search and this I find… and also find a new place of surrender.
“He loved me when I was completely useless to Him…”
“Whatever I am not, that I need to be, He IS…” I want to believe this…
My words cannot do justice for the heart pains and longings that are pouring out through only eyes flooding, and soul weeping.
My life feels so small, yet it is in the hands of a big God. I want to hope that He has something great for this life. Not so that I can be great or that my name will be known, because I have given up seeking the glory of this world in order to bring Him glory. I don’t care if I remain nameless, if I could only touch the world to make His Name known.
What I have here seems like too small an offering, but I want to believe, in His hands He can multiply it into something impossibly great for His Kingdom.
It is for the hurting…
It is for the lost…
It is for the broken…
and those He loves…
that I want to lay down my life for…
Yes… I am a stay at home mama and a homeschooling one, but can’t I bring them with me? I don’t want to trade them for another life that I think is greater. I want to touch the world with His love and have them by my side. What does it matter if I reach the world with His story and abandon and leave behind and sacrifice those in my own household? May it never be…
Let them come with me
and see Your glory…
See Your heart beating…
feel Your heart beating
for the least of these…
Can I reach them from this place that I sometimes feel a prisoner of?
Not a prisoner because I am married with kids.
NO! But because of the mess and the things-to-do.
The temporal, I want to release. My children and my husband, they are eternal. I will not let go of them in the process of becoming all that God wants me to become, and as the plan of my life unfolds before my eyes, as I walk by faith, I pray that I will never lose sight of the whole reason that my life is surrendered. I pray that my heart always breaks contrite in His Presence. I pray that I always feel the burden of His heart and what He carries in it for this world.
This is my cry
and so much more
that comes even deeper
in moanings and groanings
that cannot be uttered into words…
Use me Lord, in a great big way.
Help me not to fear these dreams that I am
keeping an arms length away from my heart.
Help me embrace all that You have for me Lord
and not turn to the left or the right,
but focus on You in this narrow way,
as You show me the way, as You are the Way.
Use these hands and this heart.
Use this mind that You said You gave me,
creative and intelligent.
Help me wisely use this time
that You have given me,
I pray and lean in so close to You,
here at Your feet I cast it all again…
enlarge me, Lord
Enlarge the capacity of this heart
to carry more of Your love…
and as I am given freely,
help me pour out,
help me NOT be a reservoir,
but a conduit of Your blessing and Your grace…