Although it was several years ago, I remember that day like it was just yesterday. That day was a new beginning for me. The beginning of a new steady walk in confidence in God. The beginning of learning in Whom I am to ONLY place my hope — in the One that never changes. This day I could say, was the end of a life of hiding, released from a prison of my own making. And now, here I write, as a testimony of God’s raising power.
She had been chosen. I had not. She received what I had hoped to. It hits me in my core, as if the life had been knocked out of me. I had been overlooked by man, but the blow that debilitated me was feeling, in that moment, as if I had been overlooked by God. I was no where near dying, not in the natural sense, but I sensed death that day. I had let the approval of man be intertwined in my thinking as the approval of God. So if man disregarded me, then in God’s eyes, I must be defective. And if God left me disposed, then what hope did I have.
Hope deferred made my heart sick. (Prov 13:12) Hope to be a chosen vessel. Increased delay prostrated my soul weak, and disappointment killed it. Hope misplaced was my demise. Hope in man will always disappoint, but as I wait in hope for the Lord I will not be put to shame, for He, God Himself has said, “I will not in any way fail you nor give you up nor leave you without support. I will not. I will not. I will not in any degree leave you helpless nor forsake nor let down or relax My hold on you! Assuredly not!” (Ps 33:20, Ps 25:3, Heb 13:5)
What I did not know, is that all my striving in vain to please man, had also deadened my soul. Only work for God will satisfy. If I am to walk as Jesus walked, and His food, His nourishment is to do the will and pleasure of Him Who sent Him and to accomplish and completely finish His work (John 4:34), then my sustenance is to do the will of the Father and derive my nourishment from His pleasure in me — not man’s.
That day, God did not leave me crouching in the corner of my room with my despondent soul shrouded in darkness, even though sun-rays beamed in bright from my bedroom window. He did not leave me to myself to endure the pummeling from the enemy of my soul, as the devil had found a most opportune time. God had a different purpose, in taking what the enemy meant for my harm and turning it around for my good. For there to be a resurrection of my soul, there had to be a death — death to seeking any glory of my own, and finding my value in it. “I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, Who loved me and gave Himself for me.” (Gal 2:20) I have been raised up with Christ, and I have died, and my life is hidden with Christ in God. (Colossians 3:1,3)
After weeping and even wailing. After the Spirit Who gives Life, the same Spirit Who raised Christ from the dead and lives in me, breathed out and resuscitated my soul. After heart laid low, body prostrated, voice crying out in desperate plea to Abba to rescue me. After Words of Truth as the Sword of the Spirit were spoken aloud in offense, and the shield raised to quench the enemy’s flaming arrows that fly.
After all of that — I rose. First, a rising in my soul, then a rising to my feet. After a couple of hours of battle that was real, wrestling with dark forces unseen, I stood. I found my victory in Christ, and freedom — true freedom I walk in today. For whom the Son sets free, is truly free — free from sin and free from the slavery of pleasing man.