I am broken.
My post here, is just the beginning for me. I wish I could tell you why it is this important. I just know that it is. He’s drawing me out — outside myself. He’s calling me to press through an invisible wall of fear — fear of failure, fear of ridicule, fear of being considered a fool.
My dream is for God to use my writing to provide for my family and I to go the nations on regular, short-term mission’s trips to provide food for the hungry, shelter for the bare, water for the thirsty and Jesus for the lost.
It was my first time ever, voicing this dream. Since then, God has been working relentlessly to get me to believe what He already knows is true about me. And it’s not even for me — it’s for Him. It’s for Him for me to finally believe and unearth the gift — embrace the gift, because He’s coming for it.
Something inside of me needs to pour. Something that scares me. I’ve been guarding it. I’ve been afraid. Something locked up, and it’s time to be released. I’ve asked almost daily, as these days weeping comes as easily as one turns on a faucet.
What is it that I feel? I cannot put it into words.
Why has it been so hard, and so painful?
Am I hearing right, You telling me to stand-up?
What are the lies that hold me down?
You patiently wait for me, but You’re speaking these words strong.
You’re stronger than you think.
Will you rise and take your place?
Will you break through this invisible wall of fear?
Will you be who I’ve said you are?
I have offered you a gift.
It’s yours already, yet it remains unclaimed.
What are you waiting for?
I wonder, could it really be me You are calling out for?
Have You come for me in this low, dark place?
What is it so hard for me to believe, even though I am a daughter of a King?
You are waiting for my yes, and my yes is just the beginning.
Beginning of what? Is that the unknown that I fear?
Why is it so hard to give my yes? I live a life surrendered. That’s what I say.
Why is there such a fight within? I don’t have the answer, but You wait for my reply.
None of it is for me. It’s for one eternal purpose
of You calling Your creation to Yourself.
Help me use my life for the same purpose.
If this is the means You desire me to use, although the idea is not my own —
I trust You with it.
Will this “YES” take me to the nations, Lord, to provide food for the hungry, shelter for the bare, water for the thirsty and You for the lost? Because that’s what I want.
Then here is my leap fearless. Yes, God — I AM A WRITER.