It’s time for me to go quiet, and unplug for the most part. Officially it’s week off of blogging and social network, but this time it may be more. It’s time to seek God about many things. And these are my deep-heart prayers and wails to Him.
It’s time to seek the Lord.
I want so desperately for my life to have a greater purpose than my own.
I need to know I’m spending myself on the right things.
There is a time for everything, and surely God has given me enough time to do what He’s required of me. And sometimes His requirements are a lot simpler than I make them out to be.
And He’s come to give life and life abundant — and I truly believe that life is found in the losing of it — giving up our life to gain life and that Life and Gain is Him.
And I want that.
It’s time to seek God. I’m finding myself wanting to be stripped of it all all that hold me back from finding Him. From loving Him wholeheartedly with all my strength, granting Him unhindered access into the deepest parts of me so that He would have His way. But what if the hinderance is not because of my lack of invitation for Him to come, but because of what I’ve allowed to stand in the way of Him and I?
Oh, God my heart cries out. Cleanse me and wash me and strip away all that keeps You from me and me from You. Remove all that’s filled my belly and taken my appetite for You. God, let me go hungry so I will hunger after You.
That is what I want.
In surrender, I offer it back to You. That nothing would have me, except You. And that every step I made would be one closer to Your purpose in me for me because I exist for You. And does my life tell it. Does my life show it? Have I been unfaithful? An adulterer? My loyalty divided? Making my own purpose greater than Yours?
God forbid and yet somehow this anguish is proof to me that I have been. And I repent. A broken and contrite heart You will not despise.
And I tear away and count as rubbish all those things that give-up for the sake of knowing You.
It’s all about You my sweet King of Glory.
All about you.
And if I answer the call to fight for my children’s souls and that’s the justice You would have me do — it’s for You.
And I answer the call to reach home and reach globally because that’s also the justice You would have me do — then it’s for You.
And I fear the road before me.
I fear I’ll find value in my accomplishments and I don’t want that.
And devalue myself because of my failures.
And don’t want that.
I want to know that my value and my worth is in You alone. And when I stand before You on that day, that I know I’ve spent myself on the right things and will hear You say, “Well done, faithful servant.”
And if in going quiet I find You. Then, quiet I will go.
Amen.
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