I wondered what I would write in this space when I finally had the chance. I’ve missed writing. I’ve missed it partly on purpose. I’ve said it before, and I remind myself everyday, when I give a “yes” to something, I have to give a “no” to something else. There are a lot of reasons I have to say “no” to my children, and they may not like it so much. But the worst “no” is the one I give selfishly. The one, where I put them on the back burner. The one, where I voluntarily forfeit being present in the fleeting moments that make up their lives. The ones I will never, ever get back.

And just in case you’re tempted to compare or believe I deserve the “Mom of the Year Reward…” don’t. There is still a giant root of selfishness that runs deep in my heart. It gets in the way, mostly of joy and thankfulness. I wish it wasn’t there, but that type of root takes a lifetime to come undone, and is the most painful to remove. The type where dying is involved. It’s also the one that gets worked on in response to the prayer, “Less of me and more of You, Lord.” And, that’s not a work of my own hands.

Most days I’m still dashing toward the bedtime-finish-line to have time alone, time to do what I want. Instead of helping with an English paper that my 8th grader has due. Instead of helping construct a track for a marble to run up, and down and all around. Instead of helping to organize my college student’s clothes closet at her new place.

But you see, though I wrestle with the selfish person I still am, I will never, ever regret when I choose them, choose my family — unselfishly. It’s not my idea. God designed the order. He’s first, and I’m not always so good at that. Then, my husband and children. And, I’m not always so good at that either. Life. Is. Messy. And I still am, too. But I’ve made progress, and when I do I feel His smile.

He knows it’s the best way, though sometimes I have ideas of my own. When I choose His way for me, when I choose to be obedient to Him, somehow He makes it so I have enough time, energy, grace. There is always enough time to do what is right. There is always enough energy to do what He has asked. It’s when I squander it that I find myself overwhelmed. It’s when I’ve said “yes” to too many of the wrong things that I succumb under the weight of what I was never intended to bear.  And then, it’s His best I miss. His best doesn’t always look like what we had in mind.

Lately, His best for me has come in the form of English papers, marble tracks, and clothes closets. And I’m learning He wants to be with me in all of it. ALL.  He wants me to know He’s there. And He wants me to tell you, He’s ALL there with you, too.

P.S. There are two more posts that I’m writing this week. Tomorrow, I will be writing about missions. Thursday, another beautiful, messy-motherhood post. See you, there! 🙂