Letting-Go FUN Days & Counting Gifts

I do not get outside enough. That is what I always think once I make it outside. The house becomes a prison. I shut myself in until the work is done. The work is never done. My horse lover asks me to watch her ride and jump. Son wants me to go fishing at the pond. Free spirit toddler will do anything, as long as it is OUTSIDE, and yet, there is so much work to do — INSIDE.

They all need so much from me, each different. I have one turning 2 in two days, and another turning 18 — as in years — in two months. I want to offer each one what they need in each different stage of their beautiful developing lives. Not just in material gifts, although joy comes in being able to bless them with those. But I long connect to each of their hearts. To listen to what they say, and discern through their words what their heart is really saying. It all takes time. It takes intentionality. It takes energy. It takes heart. It takes me disengaging with what I am doing, in order to engage with them.

But there is a struggle within me, nonetheless. I struggle with selfishness. “Can I have a moment when I can think a thought uninterrupted? Is there ever a time when you come to me and it’s not to ask me for something? Can I just finish what I started — the load of laundry, drying the dishes, dusting the tv, vacuuming the floor? After all, I do it for you. After all, it’s your mess.”

I sound so selfish, because I still am. Then the Spirit Who leads me into all truth, quietly reminds me, “The mess will always be there, but these precious moments will not. These beautiful messy days of watching them grow will not.”

Why do I have to work so hard at having fun? And then I learn why fun is hard for me. The truth of it liberates me. Its root — in a performance mentality. Having fun is simple. Letting go of work for this recovering perfectionist is hard. The pressure to be perfect, pressure of my own making, kept me a slave to my home. I could not have fun, not without carrying guilt, weighted by the voices that speak loudly, “Make it tidy! It is not good enough! Make it perfect! Make it clean! If it is not clean on the outside, YOU are dirty on the inside!”

I should use my time for something valuable and meaningful, and for a long time I believed that making a house perfect was the priority. Having fun usually could be found at the very bottom of the: Never-Ever-Really-Done-To-Do-List.

331. This email I received from my aunt a short month ago. She knew I needed reminding of it.

Hey Michele, sounds like you just need to throw your hands up in the air and say, “Today I am going to have fun, fun, fun!” Don’t take on God’s Job. It’s tooooooooooooo BIG. I think that God is like us and wants to see His children happy and having fun — not worrying about, “Am I getting this stuff right?” Relax and let God do the work. When you act human, and Lord knows we do, let it go and try to do better next time. He loves you just the way you are NOW. Grace is where we live and not works. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to get it perfect. That’s God’s job.

Now here is my favorite part…

I just got through embroidering a pillow case. On one side it looks beautiful, but on the other side it looks messy. But that’s where all the knots are that hold the beautiful side together. I believe God sees the beautiful side of our life. Just remember, Michele, the Word says that YOU are the apple of His eye NOW — not later but NOW. You know I care very much for you and I’m telling you to just have fun, fun, fun!!!

Now, more and more, as I am learning this walk of grace, I am learning to let go. I am learning to find joy in the middle of the mess, and even more importantly, I am learning to leave it behind while I go have fun!