The home we built.

To imagine the scale of it, count the windows of each house.

Our dream home.

I

As if the writing on the wall wasn’t obvious enough, we kept trying to move forward to build our dream home, despite the adversity we were facing.

Then, the sale of our house fell through, and maybe that was the deciding factor. I don’t remember exactly, but it certainly was a heavy blow. And we didn’t realize at the time, it was only the first of many. Years would pass, and we would lose half the equity in our home before our house ever sold.

The decision felt like it came in one fleeting moment. A brave, surrendered step to say we will go with less. I’m not sure who dared to say it first, but our hearts, mine and Husband’s, were in undeniable agreement.

“I think we should build the small house.”

Small house, you might ask? Yes, we had an idea to build a small house that would be my mother’s, like a mother-in-law cottage. It was going to come later, after the big house was built. In the meantime, she would take the garage apartment.

So, we went forward, knowing after a while we would build the big house. Right?

II

“So, if I said the losses tallied into the millions, would I be accurate?” I asked my husband last night.

“Oh, yes,” he replied emphatically. “It makes me sick to think about it.”

“I know. Me, too.”

Loss feels like loss when the loss is yours.

The onlooker might judge, and has, “You’re not suffering.”

Oh, really? How do you measure? In hours? In energy? In sweat? In tears?

It doesn’t matter the size of the building you helplessly watch tumble, when its your hands that built it. You feel the devastation of it deep to the core. And deeper still, in the belly — grief, remorse, and regret tries to eat away at your soul.

What could we have done different? We should’ve seen it coming? Maybe, we didn’t pray enough? Maybe, we sinned and are reaping what we’ve sown? Maybe, we didn’t seek for wisdom enough?

Sense of failure can loom heavy, and if not careful, could incapacitate any man when, because of it, his heart fails him. His eyes must look up to the mountains, where his help comes from.

To be continued…

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When what you build is not your dream home. Part 1

When what you build is not your dream home. Part 3