Something will trigger a memory and I will catch my mind wandering, lamenting over parts of my life that were un-lived life. Thoughts of what could-have-been slyly creep into my present, and I feel them grabbing me from the nap of my neck and yank me from my future. But, you see, my future is not found in my past. Neither is yours. There is nothing new there.

As a mama I desire to inspire my children to discover who they were created to be in God, and to pursue their dreams. But was remorseful I had no proof of it in my life to show them. How do I lead them to dream, how do I lead them to be world changers, when I was little more than a diaper changer? How do I show my children how to live, if my life is un-lived?

I didn’t know what my dreams were. I’d given them up. The talk of dreams, or someone trying to inspire me to dream still left me weighted. But the reality for me was fear was holding me back — fear of man, fear of failure, fear of disappointment. I would imagine myself in a waiting room, the room where God was handing out dreams, and there I sat over-looked. Not chosen. Ever. The truth of it is, the Master Designer had a plan all along.

God arrested my heart for family first, I surrendered and ultimately embraced my roll as wife and mama with joy. Yet, I couldn’t be rid of this thought — there was something more. In my youth I grabbed hold of a crazy notion that I would teach God’s Word, and it would take me to the nations. And the notion grabbed hold of me. No matter how long I prayed, “Lord, take this desire from me.” This one never let go.

I became established in my call as wife and mama, there was a holy discontent in my heart that was urging me towards something more — something beyond the four walls of home.

Then one pivotal summer season, a short year and a half ago, about 13 years after becoming a stay-at-home mama, I found myself in a very dark-low place. And though, I cannot get into detail in this post, it was one of those times in life when we reach bottom and there was only one way to look and that was up.

And when I looked up, I saw my husband reach down to lift me up. I could not distinguish between God’s hand or his, but I knew they both were going to help me become all I was called to be. That was the summer I decided to start a blog — this blog where I write about my life surrendered.

And still, there was more. I had to press through the fear of man — the fear of failure. I had to come out of hiding and decide I wasn’t going to allow what others thought of me the steer the direction of my life, or the fear of failing keep me in an un-lived life. And I wrote my very first post — What if? And these words.

What if no one reads it?
What if no one likes it?
What if I start and don’t finish?
What if???

What do I have to say that someone hasn’t said before???  Nothing. But I have to think, as each snowflake is unique and each fingerprint is different, so are how my words fit together, how I navigate through each step of this journey called life, what I feel, and how I see. I have to ask… What if the words that flow from my heart are my gifts to give, and I stay mute?  What if this part of what I am supposed to contribute to my world, and I hold back?  What if God wants to use my life lived-out-loud to bring encouragement to others, and I keep silent? What if my struggles and what I have learned through them will help someone through theirs, and I keep them hidden? What if the grace I have received is not intended to keep for myself, and I don’t share?  I do not want to wait to find out the answers when I stand before Him on “That Day.”

I cannot predict the manner in which God uses my life, or how many other lives He will touch through mine, but I cannot let fear hold me back. What if God will take it to the ends of the world, and use it… for HIS GLORY?

If I do not try, I have failed already.

And here I continue to write, 15 months later, and I can honestly tell you these words I pour out on backlit screen, sometimes courageously afraid and sometimes times while bleeding, have reached to the ends of the world, and touched hearts in a way only God knows.

As a mama I was called to a life of obscurity, where no one but Him saw the price to be paid. Until He worked out of me the self-seeking, the selfish ambition, and there is no desire left in me to make my name known among the nations — only His. Until there is no desire to be known, but only to make Him known. Until there is no desire to have the glory, but be a carrier of His and bring Him all the glory.

And though, I almost lost my dream in the waiting, the waiting is where I found my message and my voice and the confidence to raise it, as God prepared me from the inside out so I could live an authentic life, a life wholly and sincerely surrendered to Him. 

Today, I am joining other dreamers at Holley Gerth’s blog. You would be so encouraged by her words. You can find all of her God-sized Dream Posts by clicking on the image on my side-bar. Click here to Holley’s place.

Also, in community at AHolyExperience.com