Tomorrow I will share with you our Christmas, mostly in pictures. Today, this is not the Christmas message I thought I’d write, and perhaps it’s not the one you wanted to read. But it’s the message God is speaking to me, this Eve of Christmas. Eve, which as a name means “to live,” and to live CHRISTmas different, is my desire. I woke up this morning with a battle being waged in my heart, between how I should feel and what I actually feel. This Eve to the day we celebrate His coming with joy — celebrate the coming of the new born King, and my heart weighs heavy.

I am not sure we’ve helped the children prepare the hearts well. I am not sure I’ve prepared my heart well. We lived Christmas different than our last. We gave a little more. But still, I am not sure I really get it. And there is a conflict within me that says, “It’s Christmas time. Just have fun. The needs of the world can wait until after.”

And then my minds eye takes me back to the mountains of Guatemala where I saw the children wearing their dirt. Waiting in line and holding in their hands containers to be filled with their one meal for the day, only to be consumed in the mountains made with garbage where they toil, and scavenge to fill bags enough with cardboard to earn 25 cents for the day. And I wonder what they are doing this Eve of Christmas. What kind of tree will they gather around? Do they know it is Christmas day tomorrow? Do they know of Christ’s coming — coming for them?

And I have bags of my own.

And mountains of my own.

And wait in lines of my own.

And a scavenge of my own.

And meals of my own.

Yesterday I filled 3 shopping bags with clothes, and waited in line to pay for the beautiful, warm garments for our vacation to the snow covered mountains of North Carolina. And for Christmas we have a scavenger hunt planned for our kids to find the stocking stuffer gifts we promised they’d have, brunch and a Christmas Day movie, after. Though, under the tree looks different this year, we are a normal American family.

And I don’t feel guilty for being able to provide for our children. It’s never guilt the Lord lays heavy. He urges on, “Keep your eyes open, Daughter. Don’t go back to sleep. Look and see, this is what I came for.”

And I know what He means, because of the awakening — my soul awakened to the lost, hurt, dying world He loves. And I don’t want to be just normal anymore.

“When we intersect with the needs of a dying world, we realize our talents, gifts, and passions are not merely ours to enjoy; they are intended as sacrifices…We who were born into privilege and opportunity were given these gifts with an expectation: to give them away.” Jeff Goins, Wrecked

And this season we celebrate, and tomorrow marks the day, for God so loved the world He gave. And it’s the world I cannot get off of my mind this morning, and my heart is broken again for the world He loves.

He loves me, and I have a little world of my own that I escape to, and sometimes I think its just my world God is here for. And at this I repent. At this I weep, and cry for forgiveness, and for a washing and a cleansing for my wayward heart and wandering eyes.

So, should I wait until after Christmas to share, because these thoughts are heavy, and risk stealing the joy of the season? But it was for the JOY set  before Him that He endured. (Heb 12:2) And were we His JOY? It was us, He’d gain when He gave His life. It was all for us.

I must write and I must share because I fear I would miss the whole point of it. He gave His life that we might live.  “What can I give, and how can I live so that someone else might, too?

Though, what I give may not seem like enough, if I withhold it, it will never be.

I think I will go ahead and give again, the gift of God’s Truth — just $5 each, how can I not?