I’m different know. I am not sure what to do with the new different. I think about you readers here on the blog. I am not sure what you will think of my new different. My voice is changing. God knew it would. He’s the One who has changed it, and He warned me about it.

He speaks quiet to my heart. He speaks of things I will see, but do not yet understand. When I find myself face to face with those things, I remember, He’s already prepared my heart for this. When He speaks and it happens, it only confirms to me more and more the faithfulness of God to lead. He has the story of my life already written, and it is my choice to walk in it. And as I walk in obedience, it’s Him I follow.

But it’s not always in the way that I desire or by the plan that I have planned. So it is with this place here. I began it with my own ideas of what I wanted it to be, and I moved forward.

Yet, this week I have found myself immobile. I am still trying to reconcile what I experienced in Guatemala, to my life here. I am not sure how. Or what. Or even why, exactly. I am left with many questions answered, yet so many more asked. There are so many unknowns to me, and I deal with feelings of insecurity and instability. 

I’ve heard people say when they have had to endure grief, “I just do the next thing. I just put one foot in front of the other.”

I touched grief. I did not realize grief touched me back. I have found myself this week, not knowing what to do, except do the next thing. Put the next foot on front of the other. I do not have to know it all, when I know the One who knows it all. I must keep walking, even not knowing. Even if it does not make sense to me, when my senses lose it, I must walk by faith. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

And I’ve stayed silent here. Except for one small post that was meant to acknowledge my one year of blogging. I’ve not tweeted much and when I do, it’s solemn.  I have wanted to update statuses and have just not known what to say.

I am holding back so I do not come crashing into your world. I know you all have needs, and so many. And my heart breaks for you when I hear of them. When you share them with me. So to use this space to make the needs of the world known when you need, too. I just wonder. Should I?

And yet, I have offered this place to God. From the very beginning I offered this place to Him. Now my heart is burning with a message. Guatemala was not the first place the message became known to me. It was first in the Presence of God, long before my feet touched their dust, before their need pierced my heart. It became more clear in Guatemala. Seeing the line between life and death so vividly has renewed my focus. Perhaps coming closer to suffering humanity is also coming closer to the heart of God.

And America? I heard good things about America while I was there. Good things America is doing to help the impoverished people. And when I thought I would be angry about our abundance when there is so much lack in the world, I believe quite the contrary. I thank God for all our abundance. We can do so much with what we have.

Is that what you have been waiting for God? For us to see what we have and use what we have. For us not to think of how much more we can consume, but how much more can we give? You protect our seed from the devourers. But what about when we are the devourers. And you say give and it shall be given and yet we are afraid to give for we are afraid of what we won’t have when we do.  (Malachi 3:11, Luke 6:38, Galatians 6:7)

I don’t want to be afraid anymore.

I want to live my life as a conduit of your blessing. That the river will continue to flow. That the blessings will not stay stagnant in my hands, rotting, decaying, being destroyed, by moth and rust. While people, the only treasure on earth of eternal value are dying without You.  (Matthew 6:20)

And what if I start writing what’s in my heart, and it’s not what the readers have come for. I cannot be afraid, and I cannot remain silent, as I have considered. What truly is the point, I still wonder? What real impression can this small space make on the world? And I question again. And I lean in close to my family, remember what is most important.

I consider, maybe I missed God somewhere. So I lean in close to Abba Father, and hear His whisper. His assurance remains the same, even in the midst of all my questioning and wondering, He remains. And He has already warned me, even before this day, even before the trip,

“You will be shaken, but keep writing.”

Do you wonder how you can give? Or if it even matters if you give, because your offering is too small? No amount is too small, not in the hands of a big God. Husband and I have committed to giving and raising funds to save 3 babies by the end of this year. You can join the rescue and give here too, from my fundraising page.

To learn more about the missions work World Help is doing around the world, click here. It’s quite extraordinary.